POLITICS does strange things to people, especially during elections. In the Philippines, among the strangest effects of politics is that people start talking funny even if they mean to be very serious. The following are some samples of Pinoy politalk, and what they could mean. Those with asterisks are words that exist only in this country, and used only by misguided beings:

• aggrupation* - a constipated term for grouping used by those who could use some milk of magnesia
  
  

• debate - in other lands, an exercise where two sides present opposing arguments and defend their respective stances; in Pinoylandia, a roundtable discussion in which clueless participants are asked insipid questions, to which they give equally insipid, and sometimes truly idiotic, replies.
  
  

• earmark - Joe de Venecia's term for allocating pork
  
  

• earned media* - PR-speak for the times candidates say or do something that is actually newsworthy, thereby meriting coverage without any money changing hands; a fantasy worth J.K. Rowling's attention.
  
  

• fiscalizer* - not to be mistaken for a type of battery; supposedly means someone who acts as a monitor or watchdog-two very good terms that do exist and should be used instead of a made-up word like "fiscalizer."
  
  

• makeover - the effort to transform a candidate or official into something he or she is not, and call it an "improvement"; can also apply to Max Soliven (although in his case it would be more of a resurrection)
  
  

• nuisance candidate - actually a redundant phrase; someone who wants to run for public office but is likely to run out of steam even before the race begins
  
  

• paid media* - another product of PR-speak, meaning advertising, also used to allude to corrupt media practitioners; not to be confused with underpaid media, which describes the execrable salary scales in the profession (at least of print).
  
  

• platform - something constructed by a committee of borrowed minds so that in case journalists ask, "What's your platform?" you can whip it out and say, "Here!"
  
  

• pork - the real reason why people run for Congress
  
  

• presidentiable* - supposedly refers to those aiming for Malacañang, and therefore covers even those who really may not be able to perform the duties of a president should he or she get elected.
  
  

• presidential timber* - meant to refer to someone's qualities that would merit him or her a shot at the presidency; probably propagated by a reporter who spent too much time covering the DENR, but may have become popular because of the increasing number of deadwood in politics.
  
  

• showbiz - launching pad for political office
  
  

• solon - Julius Caesar-era term for legislator still used by Philippine newspapers
  
  

• survey - what candidates use to entertain the people while waiting for the main circus to start
  
  

• trapo* - shortcut for "traditional politician," or that species of political animal that should be extinct.