by Elvira Mata

	Artwork by Arnold Beroya

PHILIPPINE politics is like a circus. Look who's running for president: a movie actor (Fernando Poe Jr.), a preacher (Eddie Villanueva), even Elvis (Eddie Gil).

What a freak show.

Okay, so Elvis has now left the building. But there's still a strong man (Ping Lacson) who has been suspected of dicing more people than Darth Vader and the amazing Hawaiian shirt man (Raul Roco) who talks in paradigm shifts.

The ringmaster is President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, married to Mike who eats live chickens. Ate Glo says she's still the best choice for president because she has had three years experience, so why not let her continue for another six?

Before you swallow the blue pill, think about this: When Ate Glo was sworn in as president, she promised to do four things - stop poverty, end corruption in government, introduce "new politics" that does not depend on "personality and patronage," and lead by example.

Two years ago she also promised she wouldn't run for re-election.

We all know what happened to those promises.

Maybe she just wants another six years. I mean, that's a lot of live chickens for Big Mike.

But wait. Philippine politics is really more like a zoo. It's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. It's smelly, the animals snarl and snap, and are always hungry.

Ate Glo is a tarsier, FPJ is Tarzan, Da King of Monkey Island, Eddie Villanueva is a llama, and Raul Roco is the amazing man in Hawaiian shirts.

The zookeeper is Ping Lacson, who maintains law and order in the jungle with his "iron-hand" policy.

He did some good things: He cleaned up the PNP animal cages. He gave up his P200-million pork barrel. He was about to expose the swamp secrets of a crocodile who goes by the name of Jose Pidal when a gang of monkeys kidnapped the Mahusay canary before it had a chance to sing.

But the zookeeper has also been suspected of doing bad things: He supposedly gave the order to cull the Kuratong Baleleng species. He was allegedly involved in narcopolitics, kidnap for ransom, money laundering.

I change my mind. Philippine politics is like a movie. It is written, directed and starred in by FPJ. It is produced by Tito Sotto and executive produced by Edgardo Angara.

The movie title is "Ang Panday vs. Ang Pandak."

No, that's been used to death already.

What about "Dito sa Pitong Gatang," the movie where FPJ played a barangay chairman? This was the closest he ever got to a political position.

Change that. What about "Hagedorn," where FPJ played a mayor? This was the closest he ever got to a political position.

But maybe a new movie title is in order, with a fresh, Hollywoodsy, award-winning title, something like "Lord of Malacañang." The plot goes like this: FPJ plays an underdog named what else — FPJ. Born out of wedlock, he had to stop high school and settle for any job to support his family. He became a movie actor. Despite having a good heart, he becomes rich, marries Snow White, and finds time to help the poor. His friend, another movie actor turned ruler, asks for his help to expel a hobbit who has stolen a ring and now rules Middle Earth.

The movie has a hint of romance, a dash of drama and lots of election violence. The playdate is in May, but there's no script. FPJ has been presented with several scenarios, but none to his liking. "Let's wait for the next survey," he says.

Meanwhile, he refuses to say a word of dialogue, except if it's from one of his old box office hits like, "Kapag Napuno Na ang Salop (When I've Run Out of Patience)," or "Hindi Ka Na Sisikatan ng Araw (You Won't See the Sun Rise)," or "Isang Bala Ka Lang (Just One Bullet And You're Dead)."

This explains why up to now, he still doesn't have a platform. Just a lot of FPJ text jokes. In an election, people are more interested in text jokes and biopics rather than platforms.