AS THE executions became more frequent, the task force coined a term for them: pen pen. It is characteristic of the world of torture and atrocity that the perpetrators uncannily develop a set of language unique to their environment. The pen pen, a popular folk jingle for kids, was adopted by the executioners as a grotesquely playful method of picking the next candidate to the grave, a la eenie-minnie-miny-moe. Furthermore, it was used as a deceptive device to create a semblance of luck- or chance-based survival, even if the torturers had already decided that the victims would eventually be killed. What this shows is that even the meting out of the death sentence was elaborately staged and took the form of a sick parody, a death ritual akin to William Golding's imagined world in Lord of the Flies. As Lina recounted:

"At the pen-pen site, some were killed and some were spared—the latter brought there for the desired terror effect. We were all asked to say our last words. Almost all said, 'Don't let our parents know that our comrades did this to us.' One of us was quite combative. He spit on the guards and tried to kick them. His neck took the first knife.

"I was brought to the pen-pen session more than once and was witness to a variety of ways of killing human beings. They forced us to look. One was strangled from behind using what they called the "marine hold." At one time I looked away - I just heard the victim scream like a pig being butchered. He struggled for air. He was kicked in the face. His color had already darkened but he was still alive. His last words were: 'Maglagom kayo, mga kasama!' ("Comrades, learn your history!"). He was stabbed and his blood was smeared on my face."

Apart from those who refused to "confess," the candidates for execution were those who "talked enough." As they had said everything the interrogators needed to hear, they had no further use.

We were not aware then that our captors had already decided that all of us were going to be killed. They told us that "rehabilitation" awaited us if we cooperated completely. This was, in fact, another interrogation tactic they employed: the peddling of hope. Most of us bought the idea of "rehab" because there was little else to cling to. It offered a certain chance to go on living, a glimmer of hope. Some captives were even marched off to rehab, to the wide applause of guards and other detainees. It was confirmed much later that they simply marched to their graves.

Not all detainees bought the rehab hoax though. Some detainees were former interrogators themselves, like Ka Igan, who was notorious for his viciousness in interrogation and torture. Many detainees were glad that he was also arrested. He went through the same procedures he brought upon the earlier victims. He thus knew all will be killed eventually, rehab or no rehab.

It took a lot of convincing for him to be disabused of his fear, even after the purge had ended and we had been unchained. Only when we were on the road to our homes did he come to believe that, truly, we were finally free.

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